Fox News - Busted secretary admits liberal bias!!!

Once again Fox News investigates the most interesting stories of our time, today we uncover the secret liberal bias that has penetrated the secretary-general of the conference Egan Paquay, and much more in a direct one-on-one discussion with our special news reporter envoy.

After weeks of having attempted to get in touch with the secretary of the conference, we finally get a return call from his assistant, the secretary-general will talk to Fox News. Much like Obama avoided Fox News for 1.5 years, probably afraid of our sharp question and journalism professionalism, but you can only delay the inevitable for so much, Americans want the truth, and they know they will get it from Fox News. Therefore, if you want to talk to Americans you need to talk to Fox News. Note, this interview took place in the grand hall of the Einstein congress centre, a place reminiscent of the Grand Staircase of the Titanic, except it is not on a cruise ship, or an ocean liner, or a ferry, or a barge, or any type of boat or means of transportation for that matter but on the mainland, in a hotel that does not move, that also doubles as a congress centre, called Einstein congress. After having finally received the interview questions from Fox News New York headquarters, which as you will see they spent much time crafting, we just had to wait approval form Clint Eastwood and John Voight, the only two conservative stars left in Hollywood, we finally proceeded to start this much awaited interview.

Fox News: Your Instagram bio states, “green at heart”, does that make you an onion?

Sec-Gen: I see you did some extensive research on the question, and I appreciate such commitment from Fox News. I will say that yes in a way, I am like an onion. Because sometimes I make people cry. Onions have multiple layers that you can unravel, and you find unexpected new things inside. You might think that this or that person is shallow, but when you unravel those layers of personality you find deep things, like that they cried when watching Finding Nemo last week or that they only pretend to understand the mechanics of quantum physics but do not really. So indeed, I would agree with this, I am an onion.

Fox News: Your Instagram bio states, “liberal in mind”, what made you want to be a communist?

Sec-Gen: Well, this is really different from the first question, you know to answer that we must first ask ourselves what “communism” means, because that is the core issue at hand here. For a lot of people, what attracted them to communism was the music. Eastern blocks national music just give you a sense of the freedom and peace that reigned in those democracies. The Russian national anthem is just amazing, you should check out the Britney Spears cover called “Britney Spears - U.S.S.R. National Anthem” available on YouTube, and don’t even get me started on the memes, communism is a gold mine. But we have to think further than that. You alluded to the fact that liberalism is communism, and in a way yes but also no. For me liberalism is communism for the 1%, like the state giving everything to a few people and only caring bout their opinions. With that definition America is thus the most communist country ever, like giving a tax-free card to Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and all the others. Also using public money to support their advancements, like SpaceX being funded through public contracts. So yes, that sounds very appealing to me and makes me want to become a communist.

Fox News: Why didn’t you invite Joe Rogan to the opening ceremony?

Sec-Gen: Haha, I expected this question so much. Look we tried, we were the first conference to have meetings dedicated solely to get Joe Rogan here, in fact, 60% of our meetings were probably dedicated to that. But in the end, there were a few insurmountable obstacles to that reality. First of all, Switzerland is living in the past, meaning it does not allow us to smoke kush on a daily basis, there is a reason Snoop Dog is never around. Obviously, you can imagine that Joe Rogan was not very interested to go in a place where he cannot smoke blunts with Elon Musk. Secondly, and without a doubt the most important reason, he is just too smart, like he would solve all the issues discussed in the committees in just a few seconds. Just like the light that reflects on his bald head, his intelligence would be too much for us to handle. To be fair he was also called in to organize and act as a referee at a UFC match between Bill and Melinda Gates, to settle their divorce agreements. Now you know just as much as I do, I would love to have Joe Rogan here, he clearly is the future and should be UN & Us president. The reason he gets hate is just that he outsmarts us all, you know he is above the masses. 

Fox News: You recommended vaccination and tests, what do you make of people’s god-given right to die from a pandemic due to media misinformation?

Sec-Gen: You know I wouldn’t do anything that would go against the intentions of God. So, I dm him, and we had a nice chit-chat, we discussed those problems and had an agreement very soon. You know he was on vacation like he has been for the last two thousand years, so he did not wish to spend too much talk talking. Like God is actually very accessible, and after this discussion he even added me on his private insta story, you know the green one with the little star that says “close friends”, I think I’ll go to his Christmas party, but I am just a bit unsure if I should consider this as a Christmas party, or a birthday party, anyways, let’s move on.

Fox News: Have you ever thought of having the conference held in Facebook’s metaverse?

Sec-Gen: Of course, just as Facebook we love to gather private data from people. To know their favorite colors, sex toys, and Beatles songs. But we did not want to do it in the Metaverse of Facebook, Facebook and Insta are so 2015, this 2021, there is a new kid on the block. By that, I am of course talking of MYMUN, when I talk with people I don’t ask them their Insta or Facebook, I ask their MYMUN. Like the other day at the social, literally everyone had a MYMUN account, this is the future, and they are so good with technology. Like, have you seen how much the website changes in the last few years, amazing right? The only issue is that the MYMUN metaverse is still in a test phase and not fully ready.

Fox News: Now a question our American viewers repeatedly asked, if you were a pickup truck, which one would you be?

Sec-Gen: I would be the Lightning McQueen of pickups, meaning something loud, obnoxious, driven by a redneck with a red hat, who probably voted Marjorie Taylor Greene, believes that a space laser created Corona, and drives a pick-up to compensate deep insecurities from his childhood.

Fox News: Do you believe in climate change?

Sec-Gen: Well yeah, the climate changes, like there are four seasons.

Fox News: It is indeed my favorite pizza

Sec-Gen: and also a great hotel, you probably don’t know that because you only listen to country music but there is a dope artist that makes great music called Vivaldi that also does the four seasons.

Fox News: I’ll keep that in mind, by the way, what does MUN stands for?

Right now, Model United Netherlands.

Fox News: Do you think Harry Styles would be a great MUN delegate?

Sec-Gen: The thing is with it would be tough for him to blend in, clothing wise of course. He would just steal the show with his style, and we would do nothing else than just stare all day at his pretty-boy face. 

We celebrate the 20th anniversary of the first Harry Potter movie, why didn’t you make a Hogwarts committee?

Well yes, we wanted to but turned out that Hogwarts castle is not a real place, it’s a digitally constructed movie set like you cannot rent it, sorry to break all your childhood memories but I got to tell the truth, just like Fox News. Nonetheless, Harry Potter remains a huge inspiration for the secretary, and maybe next year we will do a Rachel vs. Ross crisis, Ted vs. Robin crisis, we will see, all the options are still open. 

Fox News: A lot of parents report that their children have trouble falling asleep due to the fears stemming from climate change. What keeps you awake at night?

Sec-Gen: Yes, very interesting question, personally but I’m sure a lot of individuals will for very obvious reasons also recognize themselves in my answer, the fear that keeps me awake at night is the fear that one day, in the morning, I wake up only to discover that my partner left me for Timothée Chalamet.

Fox News: Mike Pence’s wife said exactly the same thing, maybe you’re more of a conservative than I assumed. Speaking of Timothée Chalamet, what did you make of Dune.

Sec-Gen: I know it got amazing reviews from everyone, but Arrakis didn’t do the trick for me, it’s just…, I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

Fox News: This is indeed a fair description of St. Gallen weather, now what did you think of Kanye West’s newest album Donda?

Sec-Gen: Listen we now live in an era of constant comment whenever a new cultural product is released, everyone awaits what a certain outlet or YouTuber will say about it, and then subsequently the comments are commented as well by others and the cycle repeats itself. And in a way this is great, this is the democratization of free expression for all, humanity has strived thousands of years to reach this point, we shouldn’t forget that. This is by no means a small achievement. Although I would say that sometimes this gets counterproductive, the comment is more awaited than the object it is commenting on in the first place. It seems that it’s almost as if we have delegated our critical thinking, our capacity to form an opinion on cultural objects, to those commentators, very often online. So, for this very reason I will not just add another comment on Donda, in what is already an ocean of reviews, opinion pieces, and online comments. I will just say that when Kanye wrote « Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda » (actual lyrics from Donda Chant, the first song of the album) he kinda said it all. 

On that high note, we conclude our interview and return to the conference floor.

Reported by Matthieu Dupraz